Secrets of Communication

by Michael Lipp

There are many ways that communication strengthens relationships. These are the two fundamental secrets.

Permission

You must have permission before you change from transactional conversation. Without permission almost anything "helpful" you say is considered to be too intrusive or meddling and is responded to with defensiveness.

Defensiveness takes the form of anything from an icily polite "thank you" all the way to open hostility. Even when permission is implied (you're the boss or with your spouse) it helps to get it. It hurts not to.

But imagine that you precede what you say with something as simple as, "Can I say something?" or, "Is it all right if I tell you something?". Almost everyone will say, "okay" or "sure" or the like. You now have permission. Anything you now say has been invited.

Maybe what you have to say is really serious – Get more permission. "This is kind of delicate – is it all right if I keep going?" or "I don't want to upset you, can I continue?" Again, most people will say yes.

Here is something else we don't know that allows powerful communication and powerful relationships. Give yourself permission. When giving a talk or a presentation, many people become tongue- tied.

Start by giving yourself permission – "I'm feeling nervous" or "I'm in unfamiliar territory, please excuse me if I sound nervous. I am." You've turned people from a potentially hostile audience into an empathetic one.

Appreciation

I've been doing this one for so long, it's hard for me to remember that it's a secret. People don't get acknowledged enough. Husbands don't thank wives. Wives don't thank husbands.

We rarely, if ever, acknowledge our children. Children certainly don't acknowledge parents. If anyone acknowledges their boss it's considered apple- polishing. Bosses rarely, if ever, acknowledge employees.

In my wife's company, managers are actually forbidden to say positive things in their reviews – The company is afraid that if they say something positive and then had a layoff, the person would then sue them.

Hey! Acknowledgment is mother's milk….not if it's falsely delivered, then it smells and everyone knows it's just kissing up. Acknowledgment doesn't have to be a big deal. In fact, acknowledgment is even sweeter when it's not earned.

Look at your children and say, "I haven't told you how much I love you for a while. And I want you to know that I love you a lot. You're very, very special."

Try saying to your boss, "I know no one ever tells you this, but I want you to know, I enjoy working for you." Try it on.

I used to feud with one of my daughters and I made it a point to acknowledge her (Incidentally, acknowledgement doesn't mean `compliment' it's more closely related to `recognize.' I just started to recognize her. The feud disappeared.

What's great and so effective about acknowledgment is that it is unsolicited and unearned. Imagine how you would feel if you were just acknowledged for being yourself.

This just touches the surface of these critical secrets of relationships and communication., And there are more.

Michael Lipp is a Relationship Coach who works with people to produce extraordinary results in their lives. He is the author of "Less Stress, More Wealth," and "It's Best to Love and Win" His website is www.1stClassCoaching.com For more information on effective relationships, send email to michael@1stclasscoaching.com.

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