Men and Women Communicate Differently

Robert Elias Najemy

Although each gender tends to express itself quite differently, most philosophical teachings agree that the soul is neither male nor female. As souls, we incarnate into a gender in order to learn through that experience.

Through our experimentation with the various qualities of each sex we are seeking to experience our true whole self. Until we do experience our inner fullness, we seek to find completion externally through a love partner.

This effort towards attunement with the other sex brings stability, joy, security and affirmation but is not without problems and challenges. One main challenge is being able to understand, respond to and find solutions for the need differences when they occur.

Some of these main conflicts are differing needs for:

a. Cleanliness - order

b. Affection, sex

c. How to use money

d. How to bring up children

e. Social activity

Most of these conflicts actually have to do with:

1. Freedom vs. control = power

2. Who is right = self-worth

COMMUNICATION DIFFERENCES

In addition to these differing needs, men and women have different ways of and motives for communicating. Both, of course, use communication as a means to express needs, prove they are right and affirm their self-worth. Whatever we will say here is of course a generalization and there will be numerous exceptions.

Studies have shown, however, that women use communication in order to create an emotional connection or bond. Thus the communication itself is the purpose. Men seem to perceive communication as a means towards some result such as solving a problem.

Thus, we often have the situation in which a woman will start a conversation about a subject, not because she wants a solution but because she experiences a connection through the communication itself.

The man however, feels that communication has only one purpose, to arrive at a conclusion or solution and then there is no more need to communicate. Thus the universal problem that women feel men are aloof and men that women are interrogators.

MEN DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT EMOTIONS

If they are talking about the woman's emotions, then they are likely to feel that they are to blame and are being criticized since the woman is not happy. If a woman expresses an emotion, she usually wants recognition of that fact that she feels that way.

The man usually does not realize this and seeks in the least possible words to convince her that there is no reason for her to feel this way. He seeks a solution. She then loses her vehicle of connecting.

If she wants to talk about his emotions, it is even worse. First of all he seldom knows what his emotions are. He has been trained a whole lifetime to suppress, hide or shut off what he is feeling.

Secondly, even if he has some awareness of what he feels, he feels totally demeaned if he has to admit that he feels self-doubt or fear. Men in general do not like to admit their fears or weaknesses.

All of the above are of course generalizations, and there will be exceptions. We have here a serious problem in communication in which each sex will need to understand the other.

WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER

Women need to understand that when men are aloof or do not communicate their feelings and thoughts, it is often simply because they function differently and not because they do not love their love partner. They experience unity, not so much through words but rather through action, such as working to make money and take care of the family.

Men on the other hand need to understand that women need to generate feelings of unity and love through verbal communication. Men need to acknowledge women's feelings rather than find reasons why they shouldn't have them.

Adapted from the forthcoming book "Relationships of Conscious Love" by Robert Elias Najemy. His recently released book "The Psychology of Happiness" (ISBN 0-9710116-0-5) and other writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can download FREE articles and e-books.